On this day… painful memories

Five years ago today I came within a hairsbreadth of killing myself. I’ve had thoughts of suicide since, but never so close to following through. Because that day? It nearly happened.

I was alone in a hotel room in New York. I had a plan. I knew what to do.

I’d decided to do it there so no one I knew would suffer the trauma of finding me.

I was so lonely. I felt so lost. So fucking alone.

I felt like I would never be a person worth being a priority in another person’s life, because I’ve never experienced that feeling.

I think I’ve made it up to maybe 5th or 6th place with my closest friendships, relationships, or family members.

Other people or jobs or hobbies have always been more important than me. I get it. It just sucks. (Whether this is true or not isn’t factoring in here. It’s all in how my fucked up brain sees things.)

Five years later I still feel this way. It’s scary sometimes, how intense that feeling is.

I’d be content at being in third or fourth place. How sad is that? To not believe I’ll ever matter more than that. To want to matter to someone so badly that I’m willing to sacrifice my own self worth.

Most days I am ok. Today just hit me with a double whammy. The post that just went up about help. Followed by the memory of what this day was.

Despite KNOWING the truth, I still feel like the burden and inconvenience my family made me feel like when I was growing up. Like an attention whore who needs to be the center of attention and just wants someone to pay attention to me.

I feel like a loser.

But I’m strong. I didn’t kill myself that day.

I decided I would do three things, first.

1. I would go out and buy myself something really pretty, just for myself.

2. I would take myself out for an absolutely AWESOME meal.

3. I would attend the show I was in NYC to see in the first place. (Hamilton.)

If I came back to my hotel room and still felt the same, game over. But I didn’t.

I learned something important that day. I was capable of keeping myself alive all by myself, even as much as I may have wanted to be otherwise.

But it’s fucking hard. Being in so much pain. Feeling so lost.

I came home the next day. And first thing the following day I called my therapist. I told her I needed help.

Having the mental wherewithal to come up with a plan on the fly like that in case I hit that danger zone is not always possible, though.

I want to believe I’ll always be able to handle everything by myself. But I know that isn’t true. And I don’t want to realize that when it’s already too late.

That’s why having people in my life who can help is so essential. It’s why I share these painful experiences and memories.

I have to remember… I’m not alone.