Routine keeps me grounded. It helps keep my anxiety at bay. It helps keep me focused. Routine is essential to me.
My routine got all kinds of messed up this week! And I’m not coping.
First: My therapist switched the time of our monthly sessions on me with no advance notice. (Advance notice being at least a week prior.) So even though she had asked and I had said yes to the change I started the entire week discombobulated because therapy was at 6:00 on Monday rather than 5.
This may not seem like a huge deal. Except the rest of my week was beyond messed up so even little things created huge craters in my brain’s ability to deal.
Second: I’m injured. That changed everything!
My morning routine of waking up and peddling away on my exercise bike for the 30 minutes I use my light box couldn’t be done and I couldn’t figure out how to restructure my morning!
Since my routine has me using the light box while exercising I haven’t used my light box all week. And because I’m on crutches I couldn’t go out to pick up coffee for myself (leaving me uncaffeinated on multiple days). So my sleep schedule got messed up.
Third: Work schedule. I work from home MWF and go into the office on Tuesdays/Thursdays. I work from 8am – 4pm. On Tuesdays I take a mid-day walk to get my weekly covid test. Gets me away from my desk and allows me to rest my brain for a bit.
Except this week everything was completely messed up!
Because I am injured and on crutches, my boss picked me up and brought me home on Tuesday. But on his schedule, not mine. Which meant getting picked up closer to 10. Getting the test first. Then going to the office.
It meant not being able to get out and get my mid-day rest. And not going home til 5:30.
Then a work meeting was scheduled for Friday this week that, for some reason, everyone decided it was essential that I be on hand. So rather than go in on Thursday this week I went in today.
BAD IDEA. Thursdays are my night to stay up stupid late. I watch Critical Role. Nothing interferes with that piece of my routine. But going into the office today (and being unable to have done my normal morning routine) meant I was a wreck all day today.
Fourth: Social plans changed. I always see my best friend on Friday evenings. That’s our thing. But because last weekend’s plans to go leaf peeping had to be postponed we switched this weekend’s plans to go tomorrow.
But I also have OTHER plans tomorrow. One of my cousins is in Boston this weekend and we have plans to meet early for breakfast tomorrow.
Friday routine changed. Two additions/changes to my Saturday (my routine allows for one, so this feels like too much for me, already). Plus my D&D game on Sunday has had to be canceled, so my Sunday routine is also already messed up.
So here I am.
I am itching to self harm. To gain back something that *I* can control. But I promised myself I wouldn’t do that again.
Normally I’d alleviate this feeling by changing my hair. But I like my hair right now and goddamnit I don’t want to dye it!
In the past I might have gone for a walk. Get my body moving and get out of my head for a while. But I’m injured. I can’t do that.
I need to save physical cope for tomorrow, so I can’t deep clean my apartment.
I feel like a total wreck and I’m just completely losing it. I can’t remember ways to cope.
Some days I hate being me.
Today is one of those days.
I just want to be normal.