Fighting to smile

I’m just not feeling it today. I am questioning myself.

My brain has latched onto negative things someone I don’t even know said about me behind my back. My brain has taken those negative things and is taking me down a path that is just a fucking nightmare.

I’ve gotten pretty good at fighting negative thoughts. But right now that isn’t the case.

I made it six months. I had hoped I could really do this on my own for longer than this. But I am not doing well in the slightest anymore. And I don’t want to burden my friends.

If I acknowledge what I’m honestly thinking, what I am really feeling, and how insanely hurt I am? If I ask for help? I’m afraid of being rejected. Of more people who don’t want to be around me. Of more people who talk about me behind my back. Of more people who look at me and see the horrible person I see.

I refuse to let myself think I’m a failure because I think I need to go back to therapy. I’ve said over and over again why therapy is important and useful. And I really think I need a professional again.

I am hating who I am.

But knowing what I have to do to help myself is a good sign.

Doing it will be a sign of great strength.

I don’t want to go back to my old (not awesome) therapist. She had been kinda useless. So I have to find someone new.

I guess I know what I will start trying to do while I’m on vacation these next two weeks.