Facing the potential of my greatest fear

Reading.
Playing D&D.
A love of color.
Sunrises.
Smiles. (faces in general)
Sketching.
Doing things on the computer.
Being able to SEE.

Those are all things that are vitally important to me. Things that help me smile. That help me when I feel myself slipping. That are simply my favorite things.

Last week at my regular eye check-up my doctor found a posterior subcapsular (PSC) cataract in my right eye. She immediately called me “interesting” and reached out to an ophthalmologist to get me on their schedule for a more comprehensive exam – with the probability of surgery to follow.

The cataract is small. But, this type is the type that grows fast and gets worse fast and leads to significant vision loss fast.

“Significant vision loss.” They mean “going blind.”

Even in just a month my vision went from being “gotta wear my glasses” to “shit, things are getting pretty blurry and my night vision, which has always been not great, is definitely getting worse and my prescription is DEFINITELY going to change and I’m glad I’ve got my eye appointment coming up.”

And in just the past week it’s getting more difficult to read up close and today bright light is making my eye really hurt.

I’m so angry. Why does this shit keep happening to me? I am young. I am not diabetic. Not on steroids. I don’t smoke. There is no medical reason this should have popped up!

I know that this isn’t permanent. I know that even if my sight does reach its worst it can be fixed with the surgery to remove the cataract. A surgery that is the most common surgery performed and is literally in and out in 30 minutes, max. A surgery that will give me my sight back within a month or two.

The ophthalmologist appointment isn’t until February. But, what will happen if the vision loss does go all the way to none before I am able to see her? I am fucking terrified of that happening. I do not know what I’d do.

And, even knowing I’m not even there yet; even knowing that even if I do get there it won’t be permanent; even with everyone telling me, “it’s not that big a deal,” my fear is real. My fear is big.

We all have our biggest fears.

This is mine.

Published by loribarett

Coffee addicted charismatic geek with a penchant for tattoos, books, and listening to people tell their stories.

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