Midway through January, and I’m still marveling at the start of this new year.
It’s because I said to someone the other day, “I had an awesome 2022.”
For the first time, I think, I said that and didn’t immediately feel guilty about it. I didn’t feel as though my happiness and positive experiences were things to be ashamed of when people around me were having difficult times and feeling sad/angry.
Was my year perfect? Fuck no.
I spent the majority of the first four months of 2022 with a neighbor who harassed and threatened me. But who the cops could do little about. And about whom a judge dismissed without thought as insignificant.
I got covid for a second time. Still while living alone and feeling desperately alone.
I had been looking for a new job. Nothing was biting, and I felt defeated at times.
One of my oldest friends decided to not to be in my life anymore.
Despite feeling hopeless through so much of that, I got through it. I didn’t give up.
I pushed and pushed at my landlord until my landlord finally got my neighbor to leave. I asked for help from my friends when I got sick. And even when I didn’t, they reached out to help me anyway.
I kept reminding myself that the right job for me was out there somewhere. And that it wasn’t me being deemed unfit or considered “too much” when turned down from a job I’d applied for. It wasn’t a rejection of me.
“It’s not about me” was also what I learned about myself when my friend walked away.
It was my new therapist who helped me learn how to rewire the particular neural pathway that always led to immediate intense/traumatic responses to feelings of rejection. And rewiring that neural pathway was my biggest challenge – and biggest success – from this past year.
I have frequently joked about Lori-upgrades. But that’s also what things feel like when I make such progress in my life and my mental and emotional leaps forward. I am still me. I’ve just fixed a few bugs, added some new features, and improved processing abilities.
I am now Lori version 3.0.