This quick and dirty post brought to you by a session with my therapist today.
You know those intense feelings of inadequacy and fear? What happens when they are combined with feelings of shame and fear? Maybe add a dash of powerlessness and hopelessness. For extra fun, let’s also throw in some guilt.
That joyful jungle of an emotional land mine is what got hit today, when the enthusiastic suggestion of publishing my writing professionally came up.
I’m not good enough.
No one would be interested in reading it.
I don’t even know how or where to start.
Ok. Point three is easy to address. (Hence that extra toss of guilt into the mix.) I actually do know how. And the where to start would just require some thought and a bit of research. But, saying “I don’t know” is easy. It’s a helpful avoidance tactic. I am afraid to address the other two items on that list.
We ended up going over our time, because my therapist was trying to help me reframe some of my thinking.
I DO feel inspired. I DO feel passionate about what I write about. And, fuck yes I have so many thoughts and ideas I love to write about and to share with people.
But… the second the thought of doing any of this professionally comes up… bring in points 1 and 2. Mostly 1.
I just can’t get past it. Not yet. Not today.
I’ve heard “of course you’re good enough” from so many people nearly my whole life. Why am I so stuck in such a solid belief that I’m not?
I can feel all the confidence in the world when I’m writing for myself, or in this circle of the world where it’s public but quiet. But… the word “professional” means something bigger. A bigger I’m terrified of not being good enough for.
There is a lot to unravel there.
Does anyone out in the ether have any thoughts?
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